


Mea Culpa

by Saxon_Jesus



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Romance, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-08
Updated: 2009-07-08
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:21:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5877499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saxon_Jesus/pseuds/Saxon_Jesus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after the war and some demons are not banished easily. Kanda/Lavi, implied Allen/ Lenalee. Angst scale from 5 to 10.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

** Mea Culpa **

**__**Part I: I Ran Away

Hot breath touched the sweaty skin of his stomach, creating a chill that ran up Yuu's spine. He thrust his hips forward, wanting more contact, and he was rewarded with a strangled groan from his lover. The redhead, his hair slicked down to his skull with sweat, reached behind him, grabbing the bottle of oil, stolen from Jerry, that Yuu normally used to treat his boots. Lavi's hand went out of sight for a moment, but the Japanese boy felt the gentle probing feeling a moment later and arched his back in an attempt for more.

It was one of the few times Yuu had let Lavi take him, he realized as Lavi finished and replaced his fingers with something large and warm a moment later. But it felt damned good, he reminded himself as his redheaded lover gasped and nibbled at the junction of his neck and shoulder. It felt good, dangerously so, and the dark-haired boy wasn't sure he would last that long. He never did--not when Lavi topped. The apprentice Bookman rocked himself forward, wrenching a strangled yell from Yuu's throat--

"Yuu-kun, are you alright?" Lenalee's concerned voice pervaded into the brightly lit room, shocking the man from his dream. The door opened, and he barely managed to cover himself and reposition so that the Chinese woman could not see his arousal.

Sighing, he managed to look her in the eye without a blush. When he spoke, there was no incriminating tremble in his voice. The Bean Sprout and Lenalee had already gotten used to his night terrors, and they had seen him in such horrible states of distress that this small potential embarrassment held no sway in Yuu's mind. "Fine," he grunted curtly, looking away as soon as he could without invoking Lenalee's worry.

Lenalee gave him an understanding look before closing the door to his room. He had been staying with them for two weeks now, as he continued his search. He had received a lead while he had been in France and had rushed to London immediately--it had been a stroke of luck when he had run into Lenalee. It had been years since they had seen each other, since the end of the war five years ago. It had surprised him just how much he had missed the Chinese girl's bubbly personality. He didn't even mind being around _Moyashi_. The two reminded him of times both good and bad, but reluctant as he was to admit it, he found he enjoyed their presence.

Perhaps that was why he was having the dreams with more frequency. They'd never fully stopped, but even meditating until he fell into a deep sleep couldn't keep them away anymore. Allen had figured out almost right away that some of his screams were not those of terror, some of his groans not those of fear. Yuu could only hope that Lenalee hadn't been so illusioned.

They'd both known about his curious relationship with La--Bookman Junior. It still hurt to even think his previous name. Everything made sense, the way it had all played out, but it didn't stop Yuu from hating every second he spent _mooning_ over a lost love that hadn't been real in the first place. For the other party, at least. Perhaps to Bookman Junior, all the words were lies, all the embraces just ways to rid himself of frustration, but to Yuu, some part of him had begun to care. And, most annoying of all, they hadn't fled, not even when the old man had died and Lavi had had to take over, severing all ties.

Shaking his head, Yuu sighed again. He didn't want to think about this, to be a fucking emotional bitch. With a cursory glance toward the door to ensure Lenalee was gone, Yuu sat up and dressed himself. After a quick breakfast, the dark-haired man walked out of the small house and headed toward the Underground, intending to take it to the south part of the city. So far, he had not been able to find another lead. He knew the person he was searching for was in the city, making a steady income, but he didn't know _where_. His tip had been vague at best, though if he was honest with himself, Yuu knew that it was probably the clearest of the many he'd received.

Yuu tried not to jump at each person who passed, decorated in their frilly skirts and tight pants. Even after five years, crowds irked him, set him on edge. He still had trouble trusting humans, thinking that everything said to him was a trap, and though he had gotten much better, he was unable to fully assume people had his interests in mind. It didn't help that every time he saw someone with dark hair, he immediately assumed it was the person for whom he was searching.

He sipped on his tea, scanning the crowd for anything that would keep his mind off of the redhead who had so long ago discarded him. Logically, he knew he shouldn't still be dwelling on it, but Lavi's face when his Master had died stuck with him, even though the scene had occurred just over six years ago. That soulful green eye that showed emotions only for him, swirling with pain and something akin to grief, clouded with duty and with a veil of objectivity that Lavi was forced to wear when in company. The boy had looked up at him, his mouth not upturning in its usual grin, and then turned his gaze elsewhere, walking from the room as if Yuu hadn't been there at all.

At first, Yuu had thought it was just grief, but after a full week of being avoided as if he carried some type of highly contagious toxin, he had realized it was something more. In that time, Lavi had cut off his emotions, removed himself from the fake mask he wore for other people--and apparently for Yuu as well--and replaced it with his true self. Lavi was a Bookman. Bookmen didn't feel. Lavi--no, it was Bookman from the point his Master had died--had made that perfectly clear.

Grunting into his steaming cup of tea, Yuu scowled at the table, trying harder to erase the memories from his mind, even though they were carved there eternally, like a message immortalized on the trunk of a tree. It was so hard to forget when every accidental brush from passersby reminded him of the way Lavi's fingers would ghost over his shoulder, playing with the hair that hung in a dark sheet down his back, running his hands through it with equal gentleness. At the time, Yuu had scoffed, bristled as the redhead very nearly worshiped the long, black locks. Now, he knew he would do anything just to feel that touch one more time, pathetic as it sounded.

"I'll have your dark roast coffee," Yuu heard someone say. Maybe it was because of the direction of his thoughts, but the Japanese man was astounded by the voice's similarity to his former lover's. He forced himself not to look up. He would not fall to the level of some lovesick cow.

But as always, paranoia won out and Yuu looked up, examining the newest customer. His heart felt like it was being wrenched from his chest. Flaming red hair, a bit longer than it had been. There was no eye patch covering the man's damaged eye, something his former self would never have allowed. He looked just like any other person on the street, which was probably by choice, wanting to blend in and observe without being noticed; Yuu probably wouldn't have noticed him if the man hadn't spoken. But he had, and the voice, coupled with the clear, green eye that was now looking around, identified him.

Throwing money down onto the small table, Yuu stood up, table scraping stone, intending to make a hasty retreat before--

"Yuu-chan?!"

Before the redhead a few tables away from him noticed.

Ignoring the horrible pain that seemed to have settled into the space where his heart was supposed to be, Yuu walked--he refused to say it was running, even though he was moving too fast for it to have been called anything but--a few blocks away, and considering the distance to be suitable, ducked into an alleyway.

He waited for a few moments, back pressed against one of the brick buildings that lined the tight corridor. Hopefully, he had been going fast enough to lose the Bookman. However, it seemed luck was not on his side today, because as soon as Yuu began to relax, the familiar redhead walked leisurely into the alley.

Yuu looked from side to side, hoping for some escape route to appear to him, but of course, there was none. The Bookman walked up to him cautiously, almost... wonderingly. Reaching up with both hands, La--Bookman placed them on either side of Yuu's face and leaned in.

"You're alive?" The redhead asked, seeming unable to believe his eye.

Yuu forced himself not to look away, he wouldn't allow the other man the satisfaction of knowing that he may still harbor feelings after all these years. He would not show that weakness, he'd given into that once, and he was not going to do it again. " _Che_ , did you really think that some stupid war was going to kill me?"

"B-but you--you disappeared! You were just... gone!" The redhead spoke just like he used to. He slurred his words, and was an idiot.

"Surprised you noticed, Bookman." Ahh yes, there was the mask. Yuu was surprised the man was still slipping, after all these years of being objective. Some part of Yuu wondered if it was because the Bookman was around him.

"I am just surprised to see you." The redhead's voice was flat and calm. It did not even hint at the curiosity the man was most likely brimming with deep inside.

"Yes, well, I am only here because I have business. I assume that's why you're here as well?" Yuu struggled to keep his voice in check. His mind was burning with strange emotions that had long ago been discarded.

"Of course. May I ask where you are staying?" 

"I'm surprised you can't guess. You know Allen and Lenalee live along the Thames." Yuu sighed, he knew were this was going to lead so he might as well be the one to initiate it, "Lenalee is... worried about you. I know you aren't supposed to have ties, but it would do her good to see you."

There was a strange light in the Bookman's eye, one that Yuu couldn't identify, and then a broad smile spread across the stranger's lips. "You know me too well, Kanda."

That hurt. It shouldn't have, but it did. Hadn't he gotten over that years ago? It was probably from spending so much time with Lenalee, having someone familiar refer to him with familiar terms. It brought back old memories that should have been locked away and forgotten, _had_ been locked away and forgotten.

Yuu mentally shrugged off the clawing emotions and without a word, began walking back to his temporary home along the Thames. He knew the Bookman was following, so there was no need to look back. But he still wanted to. The blood raged through his vessels, pumping his heart too fast just with the man's presence, and it irked him. He had long ago rid himself of these emotions, meditated and pummeled anything in sight and doing whatever it took just to eliminate them. To have the reactions and feelings return with such ease _hurt_ , and it made him speed his pace up, simply trying to leave the Bookman behind.

Even though all he wanted to do was turn around and bask in the sight before him, take in the changes and categorize them so he could remember them forever. He wanted to look at that hair, feel how it had grown as he pulled his hands through the soft locks, place gentle, exploratory fingers on the eye Bookman had never let him touch.

Yuu felt sickened and further lengthened his gait, trying to leave the emotions in the dust behind him, untouched and unexamined so that he would never have to feel them again. He was so upset that he missed the entrance to the Underground, instead striding on with ever-increasing velocity until--too quickly--he reached his temporary residence.

Storming inside, Yuu saw Komui, exactly as every day, sitting in the front room, drinking tea. Yuu did not acknowledge his presence, continuing straight on into the kitchen where he would undoubtedly find Lenalee. He saw the petite Chinese woman taking a tray of tarts out of the oven. Hearing Yuu enter, the dark-haired girl turned around and smiled, but noticing Yuu's obviously disgruntled expression, the smiled turned slightly downward.

"Yuu-kun, what is it?" Yuu couldn't bring himself to form a coherent response, so he merely pointed into the room he had just exited.

Curious, Lenalee set her tray onto the kitchen table and peeked into the front room. A rather stunned Komui was staring, open-mouthed, at the unexpected arrival. Lenalee was soon mirroring her brother's sentiment.

"Lav--Bookman? What are you doing here?" She rushed past Yuu and was soon standing as close as she dared to her once-friend. "I mean, this is so unexpected! How are you?"

"You're pregnant?" There was momentary pause in the Earth's rotation at that moment as a series of things happened simultaneously. Lenalee's face went from confused to shocked to embarrassed as Komui's face lit up in something that could have been rage, joy, and confusion somehow combined. Allen tripped down the stairs as he overheard the news, coming to a crashing halt at the base, as Yuu stared, flustered, at the calm and curious redhead.

The four who had not spoken suddenly regained their ability to talk, and as one their question was voiced together, "What?"

Bookman didn't even look flustered as he stared openly at Lenalee. "Well, you don't look particularly stressed, but you look quite tired anyway; your breasts seem almost swollen, judging by how tight they are against the fabric of your shirt--I'm sure you thought that was strange when you could barely fit into it. Your skin seems brighter, and though that isn't an actual sign, pregnant women are said to be 'glowing.' And the fact that you don't seem horribly surprised makes me assume that something happened a few weeks ago that would make you expect such a question from me."

The Chinese woman gaped, bringing her hands to her abdomen in what Yuu assumed was an unconscious movement as _Moyashi_ looked simultaneously horrified and overjoyed.

"Allen also seems quite pleased with himself," Bookman added as an afterthought.

Yuu looked to the dark-haired woman's brother for a reaction, and as expected he got one.

"You defiled my sister!" The tall Chinese man shouted to the one-armed, white-haired man.

To Yuu's surprise the normally polite man simply turned to his brother-in-law, smiled, and said, "I had sex with my _wife_. We are going to have a baby. Be happy."

"Deal with it, _Gege_ ," Lenalee replied sweetly. The response seemed to subdue the overly-protective man, although the grumbling still continued.

As if seeing really noticing the stranger in his living room for the first time, Allen spluttered, "La--Bookman? What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Allen. I see you really did lose your arm in the final battle." Bookman replied nonchalantly. Yuu was surprised that the redhead had not known for sure that Allen had given up his Innocence to defeat the Earl. Well, Yuu hadn't know either until he had seen the Bean Sprout those two weeks prior.

"Yeah, well, you would have seen it if you had stuck around to help bring in the wounded." Yuu had never heard Allen's voice have that harsh an edge to it. Yuu wondered if Bookman had done the same thing he had and left the still burning battlefield before anyone could see. It would make sense, seeing as the war was over and as a Bookman, that meant moving on.

"I had things I needed to do." The reply was simple and non-apologetic, but there was something behind it that struck Yuu as off. There was emotion behind it, something very similar to regret and pain.

"You could have at least told us you were alive! I mean, I had expected something like that from Kanda, but why not stay and record the losses? I mean you didn't even record the fact that the Noah that survived had to be killed because their minds were completely shattered from the Earl's influence. We could have used your help in doing that, at least! Do you have any idea what it was like the see your enemies, writhing on the ground, screaming for release from their bodies as the corruption slowly ate away at their skin, melting it? You missed all the screams! Hell, you missed me having to kill Tyki, because the man had simply become too crazy. We couldn't save any of them and you weren't even there to record how they were just people who had been taken over by the Earl's destructive nature. You didn't even stay to see the last of the Akuma melt into non-existence because they were too weak to keep their forms but too strong to go onto Heaven. We had to listen for _days_ as the souls cried for release and were unable to help them. The only way that we could have done that was for me to stand on the battlefield and release Innocence into its incorporeal form, as it was before the Crowned Clown appeared. I had to watch as all the souls gathered around me and begged to be killed. You missed everything, we needed your help and all you have to say is, 'I had things to do'? What the hell, Bookman? I thought history was the most important thing to you? What could be more important than history? Obviously, not the 'friends' you had made while you were 'Lavi'."

There was silence. No one had expected so much anger and betrayal to come spilling out of Allen's mouth. No one knew how to respond, and from the absolutely flabbergasted look on Bookman's face--the slack mouth that was just slightly open, and the bright green eye that had been blank and uncaring that was now wide and filled with confusion that gave way to a deep, inner turmoil--the words had hit something inside the empty heart of the redheaded Bookman.

"I-I-I'm sorry." The words came out in a stuttered jumble, and it seemed the Bookman was as surprised as the rest of the room at his own admission.

Standing up as if to leave, Bookman nodded to Lenalee and offered her his congratulations, "I'm glad that you and Allen finally got your act together. I'll be leaving now, it was unexpectedly nice to have been able to... see you all again."

The redhead made as if to walk out the front door when Lenalee grabbed his wrist. "Bookman, do you have a place to stay? I know how they don't pay you a lot, and we do have an extra room."

 _Moyashi_ made a disgruntled noise at the offer, and Yuu distinctly heard Komui complain about never having been offered a place to stay. The stranger turned toward the small Chinese woman, face giving away everything he was feeling. Which mostly consisted of shock, confusion, gratefulness, and something that could have been interpreted as relief.

"Are you... sure? I mean, I would love to stay, seeing as I have exactly no money with which to pay for a room, but after everything I have done..."

Lenalee shook her head, smiling. "It's fine, Bookman," she said calmly, ignoring _Moyashi's_ loud, vehement protests. "You were my friend once--everyone's friend, really--and we'd be glad to give you a place to stay."

Allen made to open his mouth, but his wife shot him a withering glare that Yuu was distinctly proud of.

"You weren't mad at Yuu-kun, and he left _before_ Lavi--er, Bookman," she pointed out.

Yuu didn't like where this conversation was going. He had expected the stupid, heartless brat to follow him back, maybe talk with his housemates for a while before leaving and once more walking out of his life. But the offer of a place to stay didn't sit well with him. It would make him remember times and places that he had tried to block from his mind the second Lavi had ceased to exist. It already was. He was already remembering the feel of Lavi's lips on his, the intoxicating press of sweat-slicked skin to sweat-slicked skin, the quiet days in the library when the redhead scribbled furiously at his logs while Yuu read the nearest book, the strong and sturdy hug he always received upon returning from a mission, the whisper of those elusive words tickling his ear, the...

Stalking from the room, Yuu returned to his bed and lay down. It was best not to dwell on those memories, especially when none of it had been real. It was an illusion, he supposed, sure as the Lotus that only he and one other could see.

_It meant nothing. It had always meant nothing. It was only an indulgence. That was the unspoken agreement between them, though both knew it was a lie. On the battlefield, they pretended not to care and went along with their business. No one noticed the covert glances Yuu sometimes shot at Lavi, just to make sure he wasn't being stupid and getting killed._

_Bullets rained down, just as they always did, but Yuu ignored them, stepping out of their way only when they were in danger of hitting him. It wasn't that he couldn't survive, but he didn't much enjoy the sensation of having his body burning from the inside out as it blackened his skin. Striking out at the nearest Akuma, Yuu silently unleashed his Hell's Insects. Independent of each other, they searched out the Level Two's weakest points and hit them. Though they didn't do much damage, Lavi's attack--a direct Fire Seal--complemented his own, bringing out a large explosion as the Akuma was destroyed and the soul purified._

_Another Akuma took its place, a Level Three this time. The Japanese Exorcist activated his Second Illusion, feeling the tingling sensation as his Innocence twined around his arms and doubled itself in his left hand. Contorting his face into a raging scowl, Yuu attacked the enemy with more force than was strictly necessary. Unlike the little damage his Insects had inflicted, this attack was far stronger, even against a more powerful opponent. Jumping up high into the air, Yuu cut once more, feeling through his hilt the grating slice of Innocence through metal. As his feet hit the ground, he bounded off toward his next enemy, the explosion in his wake singing the ends of his hair._

_He sought out the Noah who had started this battle and managed to find him with little difficulty. Then, a scream rent the air, and Yuu looked around wildly, needing to know where that voice had come from. It was Lavi's. It was injured. His heart stopped, icing over even though he wasn't supposed to care. The redhead was good in battle--Yuu didn't need to be worried. The apprentice Bookman was probably just lifting his hammer to slam it down on the nearest Akuma. There was no need for Yuu to assume the other boy was injured. There was no need for him to take his mind off the battle, leave his guard open as he searched frantically for the boy that occasionally shared his bed._

_A writhing shape caught his attention, and Yuu found himself sprinting toward it, even though Tyki had his guard down and could be taken out with ease, even in his new, more powerful form. Still, that didn't seem to matter as the Japanese boy caught a glimpse of red hair on the ground. His heart sped up, his limbs moved faster, and abruptly, he was at the apprentice Bookman's side. Black stars were already spreading on the boy's face, and pain clouded his eye. Yuu gasped. It meant nothing, he repeated to himself, it was only an indulgence._

_Lavi let out a rueful smile, his eye catching Yuu's as the Japanese boy pulled him into his lap. It was a gesture of caring, of concern, something that Yuu would never have done for anyone--and Lavi should have been included in that. But he wasn't, and Yuu took his hand from his sword, letting it deactivate as he carded his fingers through the redhead's sweaty hair, trying to sweep it from his blackening face._

_This time, unlike the reality, there was no Krory. This time, Yuu watched as Lavi slowly turned black and crumbled in his hands, the wind carrying his last words away so that all the Japanese boy could hear was the faintest whisper._

_"Te amo..."_

Yuu screamed. It wasn't supposed to end like that. Krory was supposed to be there, to drop in at the last second and remove the virus from Lavi's veins. He screamed and screamed and screamed because he _loved_ Lavi, goddammit, and he wasn't going to let death take that fucking rabbit away from him. He screamed, even as he realized that he couldn't possibly be on the battlefield, because he was horizontal and tangled in a bunch of sheets that hadn't been there when he'd fallen asleep. He screamed, even though the lighting of the battle had been different. He screamed, even though he knew the battle had taken place in a field, not a bedroom with white-washed walls and scarlet curtains. There was a rustle of movement outside his door, probably Lenalee or Allen coming in to make sure he wasn't being murdered. But still, he screamed.

He wasn't expecting the head that nervously poked through the door to belong to the person he had just seen dying, the person who knew more about that particular nightmare than anyone else in the house. Bookman inched into the room, coming to sit on the bed as Yuu's yells finally began to calm. He hated the warm pool of relief that blanketed his stomach at the sight of his former lover. He hated that he felt safe as Bookman took him into his arms and pressed his head against the man's shoulder. Even more, though, he despised how Lavi-esque this stranger was acting.

"Hush, Yuu, it's okay, I'm right here," the redhead cooed, rocking the two of them slightly. Vaguely, it hit Yuu that the stranger holding him probably knew exactly which terror he had just relived. Regaining his sense of self, he pushed away, determined to keep himself at a distance both physically and emotionally. He didn't need Bookman--he was just fine without him and had been for six years.

He tried not to notice the shocked expression that covered the Bookman's face before he schooled his features once more.

"Get out of my room," Yuu hissed, looking just past Bookman's ear. His gaze landed on the door, where he saw both Lenalee and her white-haired husband peeking in.

Frustrated by his own weakness, Yuu grabbed his coat that was draped over his desk chair and stormed from his room and then the house. It was already morning again, he had slept through the afternoon, evening, and night. Yuu cursed as he realized that he had had to leave his own room just to escape the redheaded stranger who bore such a close resemblance to his former lover. He cursed again when he realized that he had wasted a full day that he could have used to search another section of London.

To make up for the lost time, Yuu spent the whole day scanning the city, searching for her, the person he had spent the majority of his life seeking. The sun was already beginning to set when he returned to the quaint little house on the Thames. It appeared that Komui had come for his usual cup of afternoon tea and had left, earlier than normal, which meant that Kloud had obviously put her foot down and demanded that her husband actually eat dinner with _her_ for once.

There was a commotion in the kitchen, and curious, Yuu decided it was best to investigate. Lenalee was shouting at the white-haired man to stop stealing pieces of her cooking, and the one-armed man was looking guiltily at his wife as the strange redhead giggled at their fight. The room sobered as the occupants noticed Yuu presence. That wasn't uncommon, especially after they had witnessed Yuu losing control like he had that morning.

Lenalee was the first to break the silence, "Any luck today, Yuu-kun?"

" _Che,_ same as the last two weeks. Absolutely nothing."

She smiled at him softly, understanding filling her eyes, "Don't worry, you'll find them eventually. I'm sure another lead will appear soon. Bread? I just finished baking it." And just like that the conversation turned to how Lenalee had spent the whole day baking, only to have been successful in making a single loaf because Allen had been continually stealing pieces of dough. The couple bickered back and forth and Yuu was able to take his attention away, knowing he wouldn't have to contribute anything. His gaze wandered to the only other person in the room. Bookman was looking at the flirting pair with a strange expression. It was an expression Lavi would have made, contented enjoyment. There was a small smile on the stranger's lips, and his green eye was fixed on the two. It was obvious the Bookman didn't realize what his face was giving away. Deep down, it made Yuu somewhat contented to know that the man was slipping. Like the man deserved to be having trouble. But that was a stupid feeling.

Then Yuu thought back, the man had been _giggling_ at the couple as Yuu had walked in. That morning he had called him Yuu again. The Bookman had called him Yuu-chan yesterday in the cafe. That was far too many slips to be normal.

"What'cha starin' at, Kanda?" The redhead's voice jarred Yuu back into reality. He had been staring, and he would berate himself about that later, because right now he had to make sure he had heard that sentence right. That voice was far too Lavi-ish.

"Have you been drinking, Bookman?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Eh?" The redhead blinked several times in confusion. Yuu scoffed, resisting the urge to punch the man who was an idiot in any persona.

"I can't understand you because you're slurring your words," the Japanese man reiterated.

Bookman blinked again, and then his face became a mask of nothingness, just as it had been the moment his Master had died.

"Excuse me," the redhead mumbled, inclining his head and departing the room. A moment later, Yuu heard a door close and assumed the stranger had gone out for some air.

Allen and Lenalee stopped arguing when they heard Bookman leave. Sitting down at the table, they looked at him, as if waiting for him to explain something.

Allen was the first to speak. "Kanda, why do you think he's here? Why did he follow you? Did he say anything that may have given away what exactly his mission is in London?" The man's face was surprisingly serious, and Yuu wondered why he thought the Bookman would have told him anything.

"He just said it was for business, we all know that even though he was an idiot as Lavi; as Bookman, he won't give information. Everything he does is planned." Yuu had thought it was obvious, but he had to wonder why _Moyashi_ was asking.

"Well, then there must be a reason that he stopped by."

"Nostalgia? Missing the good old days? Bringing up bad memories? Who knows, but I couldn't really care less what he does, as long as he leaves me out of it." Yuu had to admit that the _Moyashi_ was right. There was a reason Bookman was here. He was going against what it meant to be a Bookman, retying broken connections. A Bookman, once he left one life, was supposed to discard everything related to it, so why was the redhead here? Why had he even acknowledged Yuu the other day? Yuu was going to get to the bottom of this.

Standing up, he left the house, wondering just where the Bookman had gone. He didn't have to look far, as the redhead was only a block away, leaning against a rail and looking out onto the Thames. Yuu walked up quietly, standing a meter away, and waited for the man to notice his presence.

"Is there something you want?" Bookman's voice was cold, colder than his lifeless eye.

"Why are you here? What is it that you want from us?" They were simple questions, ones that he knew he wouldn't get straight answers to, but was going to ask them anyway.

"Needed a place to stay, knew Lenalee was in town, and when I saw you I knew that you would take me to her, and she, being the generous soul she is, would offer me shelter, free of charge. I am here on business, and I want nothing from you." The response was colder than the question, and it was obviously only half true.

"Well, now that I know what to tell Lenalee, why don't you tell me what you really want from me so that I can get on with my life."

The redhead didn't look at him, he continued to stare out onto the river. He was silent for a long while, and Yuu was just about to sigh and walk away when the stranger spoke. "I just wanted to see them. I thought you were dead, and I was so shocked that you weren't because--I just wanted to apologize."

Yuu didn't know what to say to that. The Bookman was lying to him, that was for sure, and from the way he had changed mid-sentence, it was obvious.

"Great, well then apologize so I don't have to see your face anymore."

Bookman opened his mouth, a weird light in his eye, and Yuu abruptly realized that he didn't want to hear it. "Don't say it," he bit out. "You don't even have to say it. Apology accepted. Now you can go back to whatever mission you're on with your not-there guilt appeased." With that, Yuu turned and stormed away, heading back to Lenalee's home, where he would tell her Bookman's "reasons for being there."

Obviously, the conversation didn't go well, though in the back of Yuu's brain, he supposed it was his own fault. He was in such a horrible mood that he nearly punched the wall--or _Moyashi_ , who was a more tempting target--when Lenalee nodded with a rueful smile and went back to baking her cookies. When the redhead returned an hour or two later, she smiled at him and told him he was still welcome, a response that made Yuu's blood boil. The entire day had been a failure, from his ridiculous nightmare to the continued presence of the stranger. Yuu ignored him, too upset to trust himself to stand up and not hit something--Bookman had taken Allen's place as target of choice.

Finally, once the kitchen had been abandoned by the other three, Yuu got up and left the house, streaking across the dark London streets at a brisk pace, trying to clear his mind. Normally, he would have meditated, but being in such close proximity to the redheaded Bookman made him want to kill something, making the atmosphere anything but calm and peaceful. The exercise made him work off the stress of the day, and by the time he returned at dawn, he was tired enough to ignore his anger at his former lover and fall into a deep sleep that for once carried no dreams.


	2. Part II: Lies

** Part II: Lies **

As usual, the nightmares returned the night after, and they continued on throughout the week and into the following one, betraying Yuu's normally calm and stoic façade. It was hard to pretend he didn't care when every night, he saw Lavi being gutted or bleeding or poisoned or dying from the Akuma virus. Even worse, though, was the dream that showed only one image until it was scarred on the back of Yuu's eyelids. Bookman's face, emotionless and as uncaring as the dark-haired man sought to be. The green eye was flat, devoid of life, and almost mechanical in the calculating quality behind it. If he looked close enough, Yuu could almost see the gears turning in Bookman's head, thoughts clicking with each tick of the man's nonexistent heart.

Emerging from the room to the smell of Lenalee's freshly baked bread and something that reeked of kippers, Yuu sat down at the table, ignoring Bookman as he usually did.

"Good morning, Kanda," the redhead said. Yuu inclined his head but gave no other response. The man didn't deserve it.

"Oh, Yuu-kun, you're up!" Lenalee said, smiling pleasantly as she turned around. Going into the cupboard, she produced a plate and set it down in front of the dark-haired man. "Are you going out the whole day again?" She asked as she placed a basket of bread in front of her guests. Bookman smiled up at her, though Yuu noticed there was no sign of gratefulness or any genuine emotion in his eye.

"Yes," he replied, grabbing a slice of bread and spreading jam on it. It was at breakfast that he missed Jerry's meals the most, though Lenalee was a fair cook herself. Her bread tasted almost exactly like the late Indian man's, and her Asian dishes were perfection on a plate.

"How about you, Bookman?" Lenalee asked, once again trying to incorporate the useless idiot into the conversation. Yuu scoffed but waited for the redhead's answer anyway. He hated that even after six years, he still loved the annoying, nasal voice that he had once been so familiar with.

"Yeah. There are a few more tasks I need to complete before I go on my way," he said. Yuu tried to ignore the pang in his heart at the sound.

Thankfully, Lenalee chose that moment to take the kippers out of the frying pan and serve them.

" _Itadakimasu_ ," Yuu murmured, just as he always did before he ate.

When he'd finished, he got up and excused himself. Lenalee walked up to him and gave him a gentle hug, which he allowed, simply because she was giving him a place to stay and she would make that face with the wide, pleading eyes and the slack, almost frowning lips. She'd done that since they were young. It was how she got Komui to do anything for her. It was how she got _Yuu_ to do anything for her. Besides, if he didn't let her hug him, _Moyashi_ would threaten to throw him out on the streets, and that would start a fight that would eventually end up with them hugging anyway. It was best to get things done quickly and efficiently. He even patted her back awkwardly a few times before grabbing Mugen's hilt and striding from the house.

He took the Underground to Bloomsbury. He'd already searched most of the East half of London and had made no progress so far. This was how it usually was for him--he'd spend a few months in a city before finding another lead that would take him to a completely different city. This time, though, nothing was leading him away. He'd found some people in Greenwich who seemed convinced they had seen her, but he hadn't found anything since then. Unfortunately, that meant he was forced to scour the rest of the city, searching everywhere until he found something else. Just as always.

It was monotonous, sometimes. But he needed to find her, now more than ever. He'd promised her so many years ago, before he'd been taken, and he intended to make good on that vow.

Striding quickly up the street and past yet another stone building, Yuu thought he saw a flash of red hair, but he ignored the jumping of his heart. He was being stupid, in more ways than one. It wasn't Bookman--he had business today and wouldn't be following the dark-haired man--and even if it was, he wasn't supposed to care. It was stupid of him, and he was beyond such idiocy, was he not?

The first few weeks, it had been horrible, seeing Lavi and knowing that the boy was no longer what he had been. Every time the boy had called him Kanda, it felt like a brand marking his chest. He had learned to get used to it, but even now, there was always a twinge when he heard the stranger call him by his surname. After the war, Yuu had tried to move on, but every time he heard a laugh at just the right pitch, every time he saw red hair--which had been very frequent when he'd been in Ireland--he'd turn around, do a double-take, and then mentally berate himself for his moronic tendencies. He didn't know what was so hard about the concept, but forgetting Lavi was damned near impossible.

"Kanda!"

He was imagining it, he had to be. There was something very, very wrong with him, and his mind was providing him with the image of Bookman walking over to him, hand raised in greeting, a fake-expectant look on his face. So he walked on.

"That's cold, Kanda. I know you're not that much of a bastard," Bookman complained, though he didn't sound genuine in the least. Not that he ever had.

"Shut up, rabbit--" oh, fuck, he'd slipped, "--or I'll gut you with Mugen."

"Still falling back on that old threat?" The other man teased hollowly. Scowling, Yuu twirled around, his long coat billowing almost dramatically at the sudden movement. He unsheathed Mugen, and with swift, accurate control, he placed the tip right at the annoyance's jugular. It was almost gratifying to see Bookman's eye widen in surprise as he abruptly stopped his gait.

"Oh, I see it's not a threat this time," the man said lightly, lifting a hand and delicately removing it from his neck. Yuu let it fall, the tip hovering just a few centimeters above the ground.

" _Che_. What was your first clue?" He asked nastily, holding his sword's hilt slightly too tight. He didn't expect to be attacked, though, so he could allow himself the comfort of squeezing his katana.

"What happened to you?"

Yuu wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but there seemed to be a very subtle emotion in the back of Bookman's eye. Something almost... startled? Perturbed? Maybe a hint of concern?

Snarling, Yuu bit out, "what the fuck do you _think_ happened?"

Turning on his heel, he made to walk off, but the fucking Bookman wasn't done irritating him yet and grabbed his wrist. The Japanese man attempted to rip his arm away, but the redhead's grip was steady and strong, and it wouldn't let him free.

"What the fuck do you want?" He hissed, turning once more so that he could slam the full force of his scowl at the man he had once called friend. The man he had once called lover.

Lover. The very word seemed like a curse to him now.

The Bookman paused, looking around for a second. "Er," he began. Yuu resisted the urge to roll his eyes and pulled at the grip on his wrist again. "Nothing," Bookman concluded.

" _Che._ " There was nothing else to say, not without rehashing words and emotions he had long ago repressed. They didn't need to be released. They'd both known from the beginning that there was supposed to be nothing. Anything that had developed in the interim would have been be eliminated once the Old Panda died. Or when the war ended. It had been a silent but mutual understanding. They'd both known. So he didn't need to react this way, act like a lost puppy or something equally weak and pitiful whenever the other man was in his presence. He didn't need to. He _really_ didn't need to.

"But I'm bored, so I'm going to follow you." The statement was said with such conviction that Yuu realized that he no longer had any control over the situation. It was such a Lavi thing to say, a Lavi thing to do, that another pang hit his heart. He tried to ignore it, just as always, but it was hard when the pain always seemed so fresh.

"Whatever," he said, trying to sound disinterested and dismissing. Judging from the quick glance he caught of Bookman's face as he turned, he was successful. That didn't make him feel any better, though. Actually, it tore a bit at his chest in a way that he had not felt in a long time. That feeling normally happened during fights or whenever he had said something that had offended Lavi--had hurt him.

As he scoured the city for the remainder of the day, he heard the still strange-to-his-ears gait of the Bookman following him. The man didn't talk, not like his former persona, though he occasionally made comments on parts of the city with historical significance. It was a habit that Lavi had sometimes fallen into, and Yuu found himself hating it, just for being so familiar. It grated on his nerves, and by the time the two of them stepped into the cool tunnels of the Underground to return to Lenalee's home, Yuu was as strung up as a mouse trap.

Once again storming through the front rooms and into his own, Yuu ignored Lenalee's worried looks as he passed. A moment later, as he pulled a pillow over his face to block out all senses, he heard the door to the room next to his open and close. Yuu pushed the pillow closer to his face, cutting off air, but not sound, he was too paranoid to just lie there defenseless. Light footfalls on the wooden steps outside his room alerted Yuu to Lenalee's presence. The footsteps paused momentarily outside the heavy wooden door leading to Yuu's room. He held his breath, remembering that he had forgotten to lock it and hoping the Chinese woman would decide it would be better to leave him alone. He let the breath escape as he heard Lenalee shuffle away.

He heard a light tapping noise and wondered why Lenalee would go out of her way to talk with Bookman. Yuu was surprised by how thin the walls to his room where. He could hear every movement the stranger made as he shifted a chair and walked slowly to the door. Yuu almost felt bad listening in on their conversation, almost, because as soon as that tiny flicker of guilt was born in the back of his mind, he heard what the two former friends were discussing.

"I demand answers, Bookman. I have given you food and a place to stay, so the least you can do is tell me why you're still here--why you are here in the first place. I want to know why you left us on the battlefield, and don't give me that stupid, 'I had things to do' excuse, because we all know that nothing-- _nothing_ \--is more important to you than history. So _why_?"

There was a small silence, so Yuu lifted the pillow from his face and brought his head closer to the wall dividing the two rooms.

"Yuu," Bookman replied softly, almost too quietly for the Japanese man to overhear. For a second, he thought he'd heard incorrectly. "I couldn't leave him--while you were... doing the hero thing, I was searching for him. I..." There was a raw, emotional sound to Bookman's hushed voice that Yuu couldn't quite place, but the small, strange noise that followed made him realize that the redhead was currently trying not to _cry_.

Lenalee made a sympathetic noise that was muffled by the wall. "You thought he was dead, too," she said solemnly. The dark-haired man tried to ignore the strange, clenching feeling in his chest--the place his heart had once been before it had been ripped out. It made him remember exactly why he had left so quickly.

"I am not objective, Lenalee, not when it comes to you and Allen, Komui, everyone. But I can pretend to be. I traveled around the world as a Bookman, doing my duty, but when I saw Yuu--I grew an attachment so strong to him that I... my 'things to do' became going somewhere private so I could _grieve._ I was a mess, Lenalee. I still am."

The subject of their conversation was frozen in place, ear completely pressed to the wall, an unbelieving expression written on his face. Lavi--Bookman, rather--had a heart? He had cared? It had been an indulgence, though.

"We knew you hadn't died--Krory saw you walk off the battlefield--but it hurt, knowing we'd never see you again. You may not have cared for us, but we cared very much for you, heartless as you were--are," Lenalee said. Yuu could already hear the tears forming in her voice, and there was a small silence and a rustling movement before the conversation continued.

"You knew I cared. You have to have. It was blatantly obvious. You _know_ I fought the Old Panda almost every night because I was getting attached. You know I had to leave. Lenalee, you _know_ that if I had stayed, I never would have left," Bookman said, his voice intense and burning with a passion the Japanese man hadn't heard in it since the day the Old Man had died.

"Really? You hid so much from us. You know, Yuu-kun thinks everything was fake."

There was a choking noise in the other room as Lenalee finished speaking. "What?" Bookman spluttered, sounding quite unlike himself. Actually, he sounded a bit like Lavi--not that Yuu was listening. It suddenly became too painful, listening to them talk about him.

But he couldn't take his ear from the wall.

"Yeah, he doesn't talk about it, but I can see it. He was very kind, actually, before you got here. Every time you two are in the same room, I see the pain in his eyes. Almost every night, he has nightmares--no, I'd call them terrors. When we go to his room to wake him, he's almost always calling for you. You more than anybody should know he talks in his sleep. Allen and I sat in one night, so that we could try to help him. What we heard... Bookman, you tore him apart."

The Japanese man didn't like where the conversation was going, but he couldn't admit to listening in by going and dismembering the two in the other room. He couldn't leave, either. It was as if he was stuck in place, doomed to hear everything and disgusted with himself for doing just that. It was rude, something he looked down on.

"Well, what was I supposed to do, Lenalee? Give up what I aimed my whole life to achieve?" Bookman sounded angry now. There was the sound of a scraping chair and heavy footsteps. Yuu heard the door to the other room squeak open.

"No," Lenalee replied. The door closed softly, and the footsteps paced quietly back into the room.

"My business will be completed in about a week. I'll be gone after that. I can't keep in contact, unfortunately, but if I'm ever in London, I'll stop by again. Remember, I can't seem to rid myself of these attachments--the one to Yuu the most."

The door opened again, followed by Lenalee's distinctive footfalls. Yuu was not surprised when, a moment later, a knock came upon his door. He readjusted himself on his bed, placing the pillow back over his face and hoping the Chinese woman wouldn't enter. Now, more than before, he didn't want to talk to her. He wanted her to leave him be and let him sort out his strange reactions--the heightened heartbeat, the warm feeling in his stomach, the painful ache in his chest--from overhearing the conversation between her and his former lover.

Yuu flinched when he heard her knock on the door. He shut his eyes in hopes his hostess would think him to be asleep and would leave him in peace, but instead, she walked in and shut the door, crossing the room to set herself into his spare chair.

"Yuu-kun? Can I talk to you?" Yuu had been thinking about ignoring her, but the doleful tone in her voice made him rethink that. Sitting up, he looked over to his long-time friend, who was just a few meters away, on the verge of tears.

He schooled his tone so that she would not detect his anxiety over the overheard conversation. He tried to look appalled at the woman's tearful eyes but failed, because she looked positively miserable.

"What's wrong?" Yuu asked, knowing that he would regret it.

"How can you stand it?" She asked, her voice cracking as the tears finally began to descend her face, falling between the cracks of her hands and landing with a small pattering noise on her legs.

"Stand what?" Yuu responded, his voice much less harsh than he had meant for it to be.

"How can you stand to look at him every day?"

Yuu suppressed a dry laugh, how often had he wondered about that himself?

"I just tell myself that none of it meant anything. It worked for him, so it should work for me. I don't dwell on it." Thankfully, his words came out evenly. He hoped to all the gods he had ever heard of that the Bookman was listening just as Yuu had been minutes ago.

At his words, Lenalee let out a choked sob that may have been a bitter laugh. She was smiling at him in the knowing way she always did. She knew he was lying, she also knew why he was lying.

"You just keep telling yourself that, Yuu-kun."

What was Lenalee trying to get at? Was he just supposed to let himself fall apart because he didn't have Lavi anymore? Was he just supposed to break down because he couldn't stand the ache that seemed to permanently inhabit his chest, in the exact spot where there had once resided a heart? Did she want him to tell her just how much it hurt? Did she really want to know that?

"I have to tell myself _something_ Lenalee. I have to pretend it meant nothing so that I can go on with my life, because things are never going to change. We have to accept it. Lavi is gone, he never cared, and he was _never real_." A tiny tendril of his anger had seeped into his words, and he could tell by the dark-haired woman's downcast stare that his words had hit home.

She seemed to gather herself suddenly, standing up and smoothing her skirts. There was not a single tear anywhere in sight.

" _Gege_ and Kloud are coming over after dinner. We're going to play Forfeits afterward, it would be great if you joined in."

Then she left his room, leaving him to stew in his misery until dinner.

\---

"Of what is currently in your possession," Komui said solemnly, acting more serious than he ever had during the war, "you must choose that which is most important."

Kloud, who through some horrible misfortune had become Komui's wife, nodded grimly, taking the young child on her hip and placing it just as somberly on the table. Komui looked up at her, his expression aghast. The former General shrugged nonchalantly. "She was currently in my possession--do you argue my choice, _judge_?"

Komui shivered and shook his head, setting his beret down next to his daughter. Yuu let his mouth upturn in the vaguest of smiles at the exchange. He enjoyed seeing the former Director of the Black Order put into check. Lenalee walked up to place the bracelet the Japanese man had noticed she rarely--if ever--removed on the table, and Yuu unsheathed Mugen to follow suit. A moment later, _Moyashi_ followed, one-handedly unclasping a chain from around his neck. Lacking a left hand, the Bean Sprout had chosen to wear his wedding band as a necklace.

Everyone stared at Bookman, who was very visibly hesitating. Silently, averting his eyes from the crowd of annoyances, the redhead stuck his hand into his breast pocket and produced a worn-looking length of red cord ending with a tassel on both ends.

Yuu froze, his entire body seeming to shut down as he remembered the significance of that "most important" possession.

 _"Bring that back to me or I'll kill you_."

He'd given it to Lavi when he'd gone on that long-term mission just after Timothy--damn that kid to hell--had joined the Order. They'd been together less than three weeks.

 _"If I'm dead, how can you kill me?_ "

Lavi had taken it, wrapped the length around his wrist, and kissed him lightly, sweetly, with no hints of anything deeper.

_"I'll get the Earl to revive you."_

Yuu had kissed him back, deepening the kiss and reveling in the fact that he could make Lavi turn into a weak, silly pool of idiocy.

_"That's not very nice, Yuu-chan."_

Lavi had walked away with shaking legs, though his face showed just the hints of a smile.

_"Whatever."_

When Lavi had finished the mission, he had refused to return the hair tie, stating that he "wanted to hold onto it longer." The fact that he'd brought another, almost identical hair tie back with him had appeased Yuu enough to let the rabbit play his stupid game.

"Heavy, heavy hangs over thy head--" Komui's annoying tenor reverberated in Yuu's head, effectively drawing him out from his memories, "--What shall the owner do to redeem the forfeit?"

Looking above the Chinese man's head, Yuu saw the man's wife holding _Moyashi's_ wedding band. "Hmmm... how about... hug Kanda-kun."

Oh, dear lord, he sincerely hoped he had heard that incorrectly. Allen's sudden ashen pallor, coupled with his horrified expression, made him doubt that highly.

"I refuse," the white-haired man said calmly, though the true victim of the forfeit heard an icy tone underneath, something softer but still akin to the obstinance Allen used only with him. Komui chuckled darkly.

"So I suppose that means you won't get your ring back, then," _Moyashi's_ brother-in-law cackled, ignoring Kloud's attempt to whack him. The Bean Sprout became, if possible, paler, and quickly walked up to Yuu, who stepped back, distressed at the awkward turn of events.

Suddenly, there was an arm around his waist. He was pressed into the Bean Sprout's still tiny frame and was quickly released. Yuu saw a streak of white running, grabbing his chain, and exiting the room, before Yuu could even register that Mugen was still on the table in front of him. As he was reaching for it to go after the soon-to-be late Mr. Walker, his blade was whipped from the table by Kloud.

"Ah, ah, ah," she scolded, fingering the whip she still carried with her long after Lau Jimin's death. Yuu scowled at her angrily, making an attempt to follow after the doomed Sprout, but this time, Lenalee grabbed his arm, holding him back.

"If you kill my husband," she warned, her purple eyes flashing dangerously, "I'll gut you and serve your remains to the neighborhood dogs." Reluctantly, Yuu let his posture fall into a more relaxed position and took a seat next to his hostess. A few minutes later, _Moyashi_ returned, his eyes darting about as if he still feared attack.

"One day, _Moyashi_..." Yuu growled, letting his threat hang in the air until Komui cleared his throat noisily and cued for Kloud to put the next object above his head. It belonged to the Chinese man.

"It's Allen," the white-haired brat muttered as Komui closed his eyes, apparently thinking deeply.

"You have to babysit my children for a day," the Chinese man finally said, opening his eyes and smiling expectantly. Kloud hit him upside the head with his beret, and Komui's face deteriorated to a look of gloom.

Ah, retribution.

The next object was Mugen, and Yuu waited anxiously to finish his part in this ridiculous game. Once his task was chosen and he had completed it, he could leave the room and meditate--

"Er, say one thing you like about each person in the room," Komui decreed, opening his eyes and seeing Yuu's scowl as it formed on the Japanese man's face.

" _Che_. There is nothing for me to say," he bit out, knowing that he'd be forced to comply but still hoping someone would take pity on him. Luck was not with him, nor, apparently, was pity.

"Yuu-kun," Lenalee said, her tone every bit as warning as it had been when she'd threatened him earlier. Her eyes glinted again, though this time, it was as if she was telling him to play the game so he could get it over with.

"Kloud," Yuu began, his tone clipped as he resisted the urge to punch everyone unconscious and leave the room with Mugen in tow, "you were a General; Komui... you... are less of an idiot than you used to be; _Moyashi_ \--"

"--Allen--"

"--you married Lenalee, even though you don't deserve her; Lenalee, your cooking is almost as good as Jerry's; Lavi..." Yuu froze. He had been letting the words flow from his mouth as if they were a long, unfamiliar string of curses, but that... He had said 'Lavi.' Everyone had heard it. And even if he hadn't made that mistake, there was still the choice of what to say. He couldn't very well say 'you fuck like a God' or something just as ridiculous (even if it was true). 'Your incessant whining was somewhat endearing' also didn't work. He wouldn't say such things in any case, game or not.

And then it struck him. Those were all Lavi, not Bookman.

"...was the only good part of you, Bookman," he finished, staring the redhead straight in the eye and meaning everything he'd just said. His former lover's face remained stoic, save for a tiny tick next to his left eye that could have meant anything. Turning quickly on his heel, the dark-haired man let his long jacket billow about him as he snatched Mugen from Kloud's grip. Before he could exit the room, however, a hand caught his wrist, much in the way Bookman's had restrained him earlier.

It was Lenalee, and she looked at him once more with pleading eyes. "Yuu-kun," she said, her tone layered so deeply that the Japanese man wasn't even sure what she was trying to instill in him. Sighing deeply and resisting the urge to scoff loudly, Yuu pulled his arm from her grip and took a seat at the kitchen table, scowling at the room at large.

The next person to go was Kloud, though Yuu was sure--not that he gave a damn about the game now that he'd recovered his katana--Komui had known who it was beforehand and had gone easy on her. After all, it was quite difficult to not detect the distinct odor of baby-in-need-of-a-wash.

After her, though, was Bookman. And apparently, Komui was very good at guessing whose item was above his head. It may have been that he had seen the almost panicked but determined expression hit the owner's face, just as Yuu had. He supposed it was the first emotion on Bookman's face that had been even close to genuine since he had ceased to be Lavi. He was, of course, ignoring the slips that the redhead had been having the first few days he'd been staying with Lenalee.

"Tell us three truths about yourself," Komui ordered. Bookman's left eye widened almost unnoticeably--his right seemed unable to move--as if he was afraid or worried. His mouth opened just slightly, but he did not speak. Yuu leaned forward in his chair, despite himself. The game had finally become interesting.

Bookman sighed bracingly. "I don't remember my real name or anything before the age of six, my favorite color is that shade that's just between dark brown and black, and..." Bookman took another steadying breath and then looked directly into Yuu's eyes. "...I never felt any attachment to any of you." His right eye, immobile for so long, twitched just slightly.

No one ever knew Lavi was lying simply because they had never seen the one indication. The redhead had always kept it covered, after all. It was bizarre to Yuu that, after all this time, the man's body language was exactly the same. And suddenly, the Japanese man was very, very angry, beyond livid, in the realms of the inescapably furious. What gave Bookman the right to be here, to insult his hostess by telling the most blatant lie? What gave Bookman the right to traverse in and out of his life as he deemed fit? Why the _fuck_ had Lavi played with him like that, only to take it back? _Why_ did he have to be so strung up over a relationship that had been over for six years, six times longer than the affair had actually lasted. The world took on the vaguest, lightest of red hues, and Yuu had to try not to hit anything as he raged through the room.

As he passed Bookman, though, he couldn't help but rub salt where it would hurt most. "Your ticks haven't changed," he hissed as he stormed toward the front door. His grip on Mugen was so strong he could feel the hilt shaking, but he ignored that, instead focusing his energy on not attacking the few people who were still out this late in the evening.

Sitting along the edge of the Thames, Yuu tried to calm his racing heart and hoped he could meditate himself out of the sudden fury he was feeling. The first step toward that was taking in his surroundings. He could hear the last of the carriages that clipped down the street, drawn by the blinded, trained horses that Yuu despised. The river itself was a beautiful steely gray, though its color approached something far more inky with what little light the streetlamps provided. The sun had long since set, alerting the mosquitoes and various other insects that it was time to make far more noise than necessary. The constant, never-ending sound was helpful, though, and the Japanese man finally began to calm down. Placing his sword on his crossed legs for the first time that night, Yuu let his eyes fall shut. First, he concentrated on the sound, then the light breeze that followed the movement of the river. A moment later, he heard the gentle whooshing noise of the water. He let his mind float, almost as if it was being held up by the light waves that befell the body of water below.

The clip-clopping of the carriages, the soft murmur of conversation, the clicking of boots and heels all became obsolete, insignificant, as Yuu allowed his mind and body to relax. Meditating in the dark probably wasn't the wisest thing to do, but the dark-haired man let himself melt into the shadows and forget everything. He knew he wouldn't fall asleep and that he could defend himself should the need arise, so he let go of everything--of attachments and illusions, of family and friends, of redheads and rabbits--until he finally felt at peace. His shoulders felt lightened as if a great weight had been taken from them, and his head lifted in a way that could have meant freedom for his soul. But he went deeper, he _needed_ deeper. The pain, the hurt, it was still there. The hate was there, too, the hate he'd always felt and more--the disliking of most things unfamiliar, the detestation of the person who had branded him, left him an empty husk of the broken creature he'd already been.

He took a deep, relaxing breath and let it all go. Gone was the anger, and gone, too, was the gut-wrenching revulsion he felt with all of his being for the person who had betrayed him. All he could feel was the bugs around him, all he could hear was the symphony of the night, all he could comprehend was the _perfectness_ of the world around him and how he would never fit in it as he was.

But he also felt alive, invigorated, as if he could fix himself and take away the things that had made him far more bitter than he'd had the right to be. He would find her--yes, that was the first step--and then he would settle down, find a job. He would make attachments and see no more illusions. The reason for his hatred would be gone soon, and once that had happened, he could let it all go, just like he had done moments prior. It was an attainable goal, one he could be somewhat happy with, and as he finally emerged from his meditation, Yuu felt he finally had a purpose in life besides finding _her_. He felt like he could stop living an empty life and surround himself with warmth that had not been there since he was five.

Yuu walked back down the block and entered the long-abandoned sitting-room-kitchen area. Looking up at the clock, he noted the time--two forty-one in the morning--and dragged his enlightened body up the stairs, down the hall, and to his room, intending to collapse on the bed.

The only problem was that someone--some asshole who had spent three years of his life trying to annoy the living _hell_ out of Yuu, some _bastard_ who had then proceeded to spend the next six years haunting the Japanese man until he could take it no more--was sitting on his bed, moonlight pooling into the room through a gap in the curtains and landing in an ethereal way atop that someone's head, making his hair color turn from red to an auburn-silver.


	3. Part III: Ready to Run

** Part III: Ready to Run **

Bookmen were not stupid, nor did they make simple mistakes, and Yuu knew for a fact that this room was the one Lenalee had supplied for him. And yet, Bookman was on the bed, stony-faced and looking for all the world as if he was a statue. It wasn't worth it to confront the idiot, not anymore, so the dark-haired man simply slipped into the room without another glance at his bed. He pulled off his clothes and replaced them with a baggy shirt and equally baggy pants. Reaching into his hair, he untied the ribbon and drew it out in one swift motion. His dark hair fell like a shimmering blanket around his back, arms, and chest in the moonlight. He thought he heard a gasp from his bed, but Yuu ignored it, intent on preparing for sleep.

When he had finally finished his nightly routine, he turned back toward the bed. Seeing Bookman still there, an almost expectant look on his moonlight-pale face, Yuu turned--effectively snubbing the younger man--and stalked from the room. He walked out into the corridor and, ignoring the squeaks of the wooden floorboards, knocked lightly upon Lenalee's door. He was lucky that she answered it, but he knew she would. _Moyashi_ , after all, was no host, and he would not cater to the needs of two people he currently despised, especially at this time of night.

"What is it, Yuu-kun?" Lenalee's voice was concerned.

"There's a parasite in my room," the Japanese man replied, trying his best to look upset. His previous meditation made it difficult, though. Lenalee's face scrunched up in confusion. "A rabbit-like parasite," Yuu elaborated.

Lenalee's eyes went round, and she giggled. "Maybe he... just wants to talk?" She suggested. Yuu was immediately suspicious. Something had happened during his time near the Thames. Perhaps his hostess had talked with Bookman, or maybe she understood the redhead far better than he ever had. That thought hurt. In his mind, he was desperately yelling that no one knew Bookman better than him, but then he remembered what had happened. Bookman had lied to him from the start. There was no way for him to know what had actually been true.

" _Che._ " He walked back to the room, closed the door behind him, and stared long and hard at his former lover. He tried to ignore the pang in his heart as he noted how... _sensuous_ the man was looking.

"What do you want?" Yuu asked. Bookman jumped, as if he hadn't expected to be acknowledged.

"I was going to ask you to come with me," Bookman blurted, his face full of conflicting emotions that Yuu was sure were echoed on his own visage.

That wasn't what he had been expecting the redhead to say. Blinking, he couldn't do more than stand there with wide eyes and a slack jaw. "Eh?" He managed to choke out.

"The thing I had to do--the thing that was more important than history, the thing that was more important than the record--I was gonna ask y'to come with me." It was Lavi who spoke, not Bookman. And that sparked the anger that coursed with the force of a typhoon through the Japanese man's veins. He suddenly wished he had Mugen in his hand so that he could slash the redhead into ribbons.

"You think I would have come!?" Yuu shouted angrily, fisting his hands and charging forward to strangle the miserable excuse for an existence on his bed. He barely registered Lavi's face falling into a hurt expression before his fist connected with the man's shoulder and they both fell down onto the mattress, Yuu pinning the redhead and raising his fist for another strike. Lavi quailed under him but let the next punch hit his jaw.

"I hoped," the man admitted quietly. Lavi raised a hand and put it to Yuu's left shoulder. The dark-haired man shrugged it off and pinned the redhead harder.

" _Why_ did you think you even had a _chance_ in Hell of getting me to come along?" Yuu hissed, baring his teeth.

"I--"

Yuu didn't want to hear it, so he punched the man again. Lavi's nose began to bleed, though it wasn't broken. "You could have at least _told_ me it was over, rather than pretending as if I didn't exist! Or would such an action have confirmed for you that you may have had an attachment?" The Japanese man snarled, bringing his face dangerously close to that of the man beneath him.

"Yes!" Lavi shouted, pushing the older man off him in a surprising feat of strength. "I'm a Bookman, Yuu, I'm not supposed to _love_ someone!"

"You _never_ loved me!"

Lavi looked as if he had been slapped by Allen's Innocence. "What made you think that?" He whispered.

"You never told me," Yuu began quietly. Lavi opened his mouth to protest, but Yuu glared at him, and the redhead relaxed. "You always hid from everyone, you were hardly ever genuine, even with me, you asked questions that pried, you always made it perfectly clear it was just an indulgence!" By the end of the list, he was screaming, his chest heaving with deep, gulping breaths and his heart beating at a rate Yuu only achieved when training with Mugen.

"And what was I supposed to do!?" Lavi yelled, matching the Japanese man's volume and then some. "It's my job! I don't know anything else but this _life_! My first memory is of me at the age of six, renouncing my name and pledging myself to the path of a Bookman! Our relationship went against every single one of the vows I took that day, and with the Old Panda gone, there was no one else to record. I _had_ to, Yuu-chan, I've never known anything else."

Yuu scoffed. "You could have _told_ me! You never _told_ me! Even now, I have to concede the fact that _Lenalee_ knows more about you than I ever will! It was an indulgence, Lavi, nothing more!"

"Then why do you call for me in your sleep?" Lavi shouted.

"You would, too, if you saw what I see! I replay your death every night, is that enough for you!?" Yuu snapped, not caring that his response admitted that he loved the other man far more than he ever should have.

"I never died," Lavi said, sounding surprised. His tone was quiet again, and his face was holding an expression the Japanese man had never seen in it from before.

"There were a million times it could have happened," Yuu replied just as softly.

"It didn't, though," the redhead countered, "And if it was just an indulgence, then why do you care that I died in your dreams? Why does it upset you so much?"

"It wasn't like that for me," Yuu admitted, looking away. "It started as meaningless, it meant nothing because it was a way for me to hide the truth, but somehow, at some point, it stopped meaning nothing. You kept saying it meant nothing, so I pretended I felt the same. Maybe I should have told you the truth so we could have ended it, then maybe I wouldn't still be feeling like this!" He was shouting again, gripping the redhead's shirt collar in his fists.

"I don't understand," Lavi whispered, "You still feel like this? Even after all these years? Is that why you were so mean to me?"

Yuu spluttered, gaping at the man in front of him. _Mean?_ He had been fucking pissed at the idiot rabbit. "What do you think, _Baka_? Of course!"

Lavi reached up, fisting his hands in the Japanese man's long, dark hair, and yanked the man down, pushing him over until the redhead was sitting on Yuu's stomach. The older man went down without a fight, too shocked at the sudden movement, his hands still locked on Lavi's collar. Their lips melded together, sending a fiery spark all through Yuu's body. It was hard and purposeful, different in some way from previous embraces, but it still managed to feel _right_. He tried to push the other man away, but Lavi held fast, and suddenly, Yuu didn't want to stop anymore. He had spent so many years wanting-- _craving_ \--this contact that all he could do was just let it happen.

Swift, nimble hands painted tantalizing patterns at his waistline, edging under his loose-fitting shirt with all the grace of a painter. They spread hot, tingling patterns up his stomach as they traveled to his chest, intent on making his breath hitch as they touched the sensitive spot beneath his tattoo. Yuu broke the kiss to gasp wildly as Lavi's hands traced the inky pattern on their upward trail to his nipple. It wasn't right, though. He couldn't just sit there and do nothing. So he disentangled his hands from the fabric at Lavi's neck and tugged the entire garment upward. The second after the shirt was off, the redhead leaned forward and put his head to Yuu's chest, lightly sucking where his fingers had just been. Yuu gasped again, hands scratching unintentionally at the other man's back, because the sensations were so familiar and so wonderful that all his rational thoughts had flown right out of his head.

As Lavi moved back to Yuu's face, kissing cheeks and nose and forehead and ears and everywhere except where was most important, the Japanese man removed his hands from the redhead's back and fumbled like a virgin with the fastenings of the other man's pants. Lavi groaned and moved down to Yuu's neck, sucking softly at his pulse point, where he would no doubt leave a flaming red mark. Red, Lavi had once said, because it matched his hair. Yuu had hit him for that. Dancing fingers fluttered at his waistline, and then he was struggling out of his own pants and the shirt was coming off his head.

Their lips connected again in a fierce kiss that made Yuu feel as if breathing was unnecessary, a trivial indulgence that he could ignore for the time being. He tugged at the redhead's earring and got a needy whimper in response. He smirked against the mouth that was still moving with his own, and when the other man nibbled a bit too hard on his lower lip, he hissed and opened his mouth. The dark-haired man had forgotten how _wet_ tongues were. He'd forgotten a lot of things though, like the feel of Lavi's hands running through his hair, tangling and catching on tangles, the distinct smell of fire and ink and just a little bit of hickory, and he had forgotten the wonderful heat of flesh against flesh. Why was remembering these feelings so painful? Why was something he had missed and wanted so painful to have back? The ache returned to his chest, the one he had tried so hard to rid himself of. Maybe it was the knowledge that this could end the same way it had so many years ago. He wasn't going to let it end the same way, though, this was going to either end things forever or it was going to pick up where it had left off.

A tear forged a path down his cheek, but he held it in check, ensuring that no others followed. Lavi pressed down on him, touching aching flesh to aching flesh, and Yuu rolled his hips, satisfied at the rabbit's loud moan, somewhat distracted from the present turmoil his emotions were in. They were confusing in the fact that he wanted this more than anything, but he hated the way he still felt betrayed, the loneliness still ate at him like acid and deep down he knew once this was over it would return tenfold. So he pushed it all from his mind and focused on the present, ignoring all but the most pressing emotions.

Running his hands up and down Lavi's chest, he felt the shift in body position as the redhead rubbed against him, crying out in a high-pitched moan at the sensation overload. Sweat slicked their skin as Lavi bowed his head for another long, searing kiss, one Yuu returned with vigor. He ran his hands through Lavi's hair, loving the moans as he forced his fingers through tangles that shouldn't have been there. Lavi rocked down on him again, and Yuu rolled forward, aching for more friction. He didn't mind when the redhead pulled back, face filled with frustration, and took hold of his arousal, touching it in ways that Yuu could just barely remember. He groaned and hissed as the calluses created the friction he sought, and he gritted his teeth when Lavi replaced his hands with his mouth.

The Japanese man didn't mean to push his hips forward, gagging his former lover, but the stupid rabbit pulled back anyway, coughing and spluttering. Yuu took his distraction to move so that he was on top--like hell he would be dominated, especially after so long--and so that Lavi was the one writhing beneath him, making pretty little whimpers of complete submission while still groping and kissing and being completely unfair with that lusty look on his face. His good eye was half-hooded, and though the other one, covered in an eye patch for so long, seemed unable to move, the expression was in no way marred by its stationary position. Lavi's mouth was open as he gasped wildly for air, and the groan that overtook him when Yuu flicked his finger over the head of his erection, brought a pang to the older man's heart. The ache was back, stronger than before, and it wouldn't be banished as easily. He covered it by engaging Lavi in a hot, wet kiss that was both shallow and very, very brief. Then he was concentrating on rubbing that one spot that always made Lavi moan--yes, there it was, ripped from the idiot's throat--as he ran his other hand up and down the man's chest. He tweaked a nipple and then moved down, outlining the bellybutton before moving to the back, cupping the man's ass.

Lavi squeaked. Yuu did nothing more than remove his hand, concentrating on grabbing the oil he had left on his nightstand to clean his boots. The viscous liquid went everywhere, but it covered his hand, and there was still much to spare, and that was all that mattered. He moved his hand back to the curve of Lavi's backside. The redhead's eye widened as he realized what was happening, and he shuddered as the dark-haired man spread his legs and moved his hand between them. It had been a long time since Yuu had done this, but Lavi writhed a little bit, urging him to continue, and the older man figured he hadn't lost his touch. The ache intensified to the point that he could barely ignore it. Another tear fell down his face as he inched a second finger into the man below him.

He would not admit to the pain, not even when Lavi's eye opened, resulting in a confused and alarmed look, not even when the redhead sat up, caressing his cheek and wiping away the wayward tear. That action just made his chest clench tighter. It hurt, it hurt. So he pushed his fingers deeper, and Lavi yelped as he hit the other man's prostate. He added a third finger, and the rabbit's face clenched up in discomfort. Yuu didn't like that, it made the ache even more pronounced, so he abandoned Lavi's erection with his left hand, moving it up so that he could smooth the man's hair, pull his hand down the man's face and neck and lay it flat on Lavi's chest. It was an intimate gesture, one that Lavi returned by sweeping his caressing hand back into Yuu's hair, clenching it there as if securing himself.

Yuu couldn't do this. It hurt so much. Bitterness and loneliness, betrayal and duplicity, combined with the musk that was distinctly _Lavi_ and the hint of hickory and the fucking ink and paper and fire all surrounded him in a cocoon of loss and maybe love. It swirled and whorled, dizzying him as he realized just whose ass he had his hand up and that this would not solve a thing. Lavi was still lost, was still Bookman, and nothing Yuu did would change that. He had lost him six years ago, and no act, physical or otherwise, was going to bring him back. He backed away, Lavi groaning with the lack of stimulation in a way that almost made him return, grunt an apology, say that he wasn't going anywhere and that he just wanted the rabbit to get a taste of what he had done to him, but no. He couldn't. He had to get out, had to get away, because tears were falling down his face again. He needed to leave. Loss and pain and betrayal. He couldn't hold on to embers of a fire that had long since died, a fire that had never been real. Ache and pain and hopelessness. Lavi had left him. There was no clearer fact. It was bared naked for the world to see, much like he was as he made to get off the bed. He _couldn't_ do this. Because if he did, he wouldn't come out of it. Lenalee had told Lavi that the redhead had torn him apart. No, Lavi hadn't done such a thing. But he was about to.

A hand shot, lightning-fast, around his wrist, delaying his retreat. Yuu tried to shake it off, but Lavi wouldn't budge--he just pulled, and all of a sudden, Yuu was on top of him, and then the man rolled, and then the world restricted as Lavi _sat_ on him. His face was pained, as if he hadn't been quite prepared, but Yuu had never before seen such a glorious sight. Sweat plastered dark, wet hair to the man's scalp, creating a halo of the deepest red over scarred or squinting eyes. A droplet of that same sweat fell in slow motion from the tip of Lavi's nose to the middle of Yuu's chest. His head tilted back as he pushed up and then back down, and Yuu's world narrowed.

" _Tight_ ," he hissed, though he knew not which language nor how loud. Lavi whimpered in response. Yuu bucked his hips. Everything was hot and sweaty and ethereal. Lavi did that thing where he threw his head back in euphoria, a moan tearing its way from the man's kiss-swollen lips.

"Fuck," Lavi groaned, " _Scheiße_."

Vaguely, Yuu recognized the German, having been in close quarters with Marie--who was Austrian--and his German strumpet, Miranda. But he didn't care, because he moved his hands to Lavi's shoulders, then ran them down the man's strong, muscled arms, finally stopping them with a firm grip on Lavi's hips. He thrust upward, and Lavi thrust downward, and they tangled in an erotic dance that pushed them both to the limits. Moans, whimpers, hisses, and curses littered the air with no regard for the neighbors or the hosts. Everything was hot and wonderful and good, even though the ache persisted and grew with each passing second. Tears poured down Yuu's face. He wouldn't break, not anymore, but he would hurt. But if he was going to hurt, then goddammit, so was Lavi. He leaned up a bit, changed the angle of his thrusts, and Lavi cried out, tangling his hands in Yuu's hair and pulling. The Japanese man hit that spot again, again, and once more until the redhead shuddered around him. And then it was too much, and he was screaming, and Lavi was screaming, too, and everything was hot and sweaty and oh, so good, and then there was release and everything went quiet.

They both panted and held each other, their breaths mingling as Lavi put his head next to Yuu's. The redhead's mouth descended on his in a sweet kiss that defied everything Yuu had known about their relationship. Indulgence, he told himself, but he wasn't quite sure he believed it. Lavi shifted upward and kissed every tear away, nuzzled his way down the messy, dirty tracks they'd made, and ended up snuggling into his throat. His head rested in the junction of the Japanese man's neck and shoulder, and the man's breathing evened out. Yuu found it relaxing, and despite the fact that it was stupid and they were dirty, he fell asleep to the metronomic sound of Lavi's breaths.

\---

It was the sun that woke him, just as it always did. The warm body in his arms shifted as Yuu realized that it hadn't been a dream. Sighing and ignoring the growing throb in his chest, Yuu threw off the covers and readied himself for the day. He didn't want to confront what would most likely be the most awkward scene since the first night he and Lavi had been intimate with each other, so he grabbed his sword, closed the door behind him, and sat almost primly at the breakfast table. Lenalee shot him strange, knowing looks, and _Moyashi_ gave him glares that promised revenge for lost sleep. Yuu pretended not to see them, and the Chinese woman's questions eventually died the longer he stayed silent.

The relationship had never meant anything, and even though Lavi was saying it had, Yuu knew the truth. Indulgence. He just had to keep telling himself that, because it made the ache lessen. It made him feel like he was able to shoot a tiny, feeble smile at Lenalee as he thanked her for breakfast. Walking out the door, Yuu knew he would never look back, not again. Lavi was Bookman, and Bookmen didn't do anything, relationship-wise, but relieve tension. That was what last night had been. Even if it had felt like so much more. Yuu also knew that Bookman was leaving within a day or two, so chances were no awkward talks would come about before the man was gone from his life forever.

He didn't understand why that thought made the hurt return to his chest, stronger and more powerful than he'd ever felt it.

Taking the Underground had merits, Yuu supposed, when all he wanted was to sit and drown in the pain that was engulfing his heart. On the other hand, rank-smelling hobos and loud, chattering businessmen made it hard to concentrate on more than the merest edge of his misery. It grated on his nerves, much like Lavi's useless chatter once had. The pain spiked for a moment, then dulled.

Before he could become completely consumed by his thoughts, the train arrived at its destination. After walking down the crowded streets of Camden for a few hours, Yuu decided to take a detour through Regent's Park. The calm trees and the light breeze helped relieve Yuu of the discomfort plaguing his chest, he allowed himself to relax slightly, taking in the peaceful surroundings.

Suddenly, everything disappeared into darkness. The feel of hands over his eyes sent an all too familiar shot of adrenaline though his veins as Mugen was pulled from its scabbard.

There was an _eep_ ing noise as Yuu pressed the blade to his attacker's throat. At the end of Yuu's blade was a tall, stocky brunette. He had his hands up in a gesture of surrender, and he was stuttering out half-formed sentences of what sounded like apology.

"I-I th-th-ought you were m-my w-wife! You look just like my Karou that I--I'm sorry about that! Please, don't... hurt me." Lowering Mugen, Yuu stared at the quivering man in a suit.

"Did you say Karou?" Yuu barely dared to hope that he had not misheard the man.

Seeming to regain his composure with the lack of imminent danger, the brunette nodded quickly.

"Yes, the resemblance between you two is striking. Wait... you wouldn't happen to be Yuu, would you?" Nodding, Yuu continued to wait for the man to explain.

The blue-eyed stranger smiled at Yuu's affirmative gesture and was suddenly grasping at the Japanese-man's arm, pulling him roughly down the park's path. As they exited the park from a different entrance than Yuu had come from, he barely had time to see which streets they were passing, not until they turned onto one a few blocks away. Balcombe Street. If this truly was Kaoru's husband, then he had best remember the street name. He was pulled rather roughly into a small apartment.

"Horace, what are you doing back so soon? You said you had work." A high, familiar voice rang out from the kitchen at their entrance.

"Dear, would you come out here for a moment? I've found something that may intrest you greatly." Horace, as Yuu was sure to remember, replied sweetly.

An irritated sigh lofted out from the small adjacent room. It was soon followed by a woman a few years older than Yuu, her long, black hair swept up in a neat bun. She was tall and slender, and when their eyes met, they were of the same charcoal gray as Yuu's own. Upon taking in the sight at her door, the woman, his sister, froze in disbelief.

"Yuu-chan?" She asked, rushing forward and grabbing him by his shoulders. Yuu could do little more than stare, and then he let the corners of his mouth twitch upward into the small smile he had reserved for her. She gave him a bright smile that outshone his own before pulling him in for a tight hug. He slipped his hands around her waist, still shocked that he had found her at all.

A small slap on his shoulder broke the moment, and when he pulled back, Yuu saw his sister's scowl aimed at him.

"Why did you never reply to my letters?" She demanded angrily, placing her thin, feminine hands on her hips.

"Letters?" Yuu asked blankly, blinking as he tried to recall ever getting mail. His expression darkened. "Komui is going to die," he hissed, resisting the urge to brandish his weapon once more. He didn't think his sister would like that.

"I sent them every two weeks since you were... brought to the Order." Her voice was tart, and Yuu understood at once her opinion of the institution that had stolen him from his home because he barely accommodated a piece of Innocence and had then spent the next three years running tests on him until he could synch at a very high rate. Second Exorcist, they'd called him, though he was the only one to live through it all. Because of his sister.

"I never received any," Yuu replied, a steely edge to his tone. He was just as angry as her. True, most Exorcists did not receive mail, but that was because most of them didn't have family, having been taken at a young age. Yuu had, though, and even during his days in the Asian Branch, he had never received more than a few packages containing his uniforms.

His long Exorcist jacket--he had not abandoned it, as it held great protection against the elements and was therefore suitable for travelers such as himself--shifted, almost as if it was being tugged. Yuu looked down and saw a tiny girl with her hand clenching the fabric around his left knee. She was looking up at him with wide, innocent dark gray eyes. She looked like a lost puppy as she tugged once more at his coat.

"Marie," Kaoru said, her voice softening in a way Yuu had never heard before. It reminded him a little of the way she used to talk to him, but it was different... more protective, almost. "Meet your uncle, Yuu. He's been out of town for a very long time, so this is the first time he's been able to visit. Say hello, won't you?"

"Hello," the little girl said, her voice a high, timid soprano. It quivered slightly, as if she was nervous, even though she was still holding tightly onto his jacket. Bending down, Yuu picked her up, though he was quite at a loss at what to do next. He stared beseechingly at his sister. She laughed, the sound of sweet, chiming bells, and stepped closer, taking the child into her own arms.

"Yuu-chan, meet my daughter, Marie."

Yuu tensed at the endearment, and the ache that he had suppressed returned. It was dull, nothing like it had been the previous night, but the conflicting emotions--the betrayal, the hurt, the distrust--must have shown on his face, because Kaoru's expression changed.

"What's wrong?" She asked, sounding a little bit like Lenalee when she was worried.

"Don't call me that," the long-haired man mumbled, looking away so that his sister wouldn't see the pain in his face. The woman saw it anyway and shifted so that she was in his line of vision again. The little girl in her arms reached out, pulling at the two locks of hair that usually framed his face. It reminded him so much of what Bookman had done the previous night to initiate things that he gasped and stepped back, pain on his face as tears of bitterness forced their way to his eyes. He refused to shed them, but they shone anyway, emphasized by the light. He wanted to look away, but Marie was still holding his hair in tight, insisting fists.

Kaoru gently extricated the toddler from his hair and set her on the ground, nudging her back and telling her to go play with her father, who had gone into another room to give them privacy. The girl tottered out, her pigtails swishing as she made her retreat. The second she was gone, Kaoru was next to him, putting a slim arm around his shoulder and pulling him close to her.

"Would you prefer Yuu-kun, or would you like to be addressed without an honorific?" She asked softly, pulling her fingers through what little hair he had left down in order to soothe the tangles the toddler had caused.

"The honorific is fine. I just don't... like the other one." His sister nodded in understanding and motioned for him to sit on the small couch in the living room.

Once they were seated Kaoru suddenly leaned forward and placed both her hands on the sides of his face, simply looking at him.

"You look terrible, Brother. I can understand that war does horrible things to a person, but you look like you haven't slept properly in months."

"Years," Yuu corrected, earning him a concerned look.

"Just what happened to you?"

Had it been with any other person, Yuu would have scoffed and left the subject well alone. But his sister was the only one he had ever been able to talk to. She was his only family. So he began from the beginning, telling her about his time at the Order, about Akuma, Innocence, and the experiments they had performed on him. He told her about the battle with the Earl, about the Noah, and about the other Exorcists. She liked hearing about his comrades. She noted the fondness in his voice when he spoke about Lenalee, the annoyance when he described Allen, and to his displeasure, the faltering as he spoke about Lavi. He told her about how he had spent the last six years searching for any sign of her and how his search had finally lead him to London.

When he concluded his tale, he met his sister's gaze and was shocked to see tears flowing from her eyes.

"Yuu-kun, you had such a horrible life! You suffered so much, and it appears that what I did to help you has hindered you as well."

"I don't understand. You saved my life by doing what you did. The Lotus is the only reason I survived all the experiments. Everyone else died." He didn't understand what she meant, but the tears were flowing even faster than before.

"Yuu, the Lotus was supposed to heal your wounds, keep you alive, and it did, but it wasn't meant to heal emotional and mental wounds. It kept you from expressing your feelings because that is what would have kept you alive at the time. I can see that now, you have so much pain, and something close to betrayal behind your eyes. I think it’s time to release that, don't you? You don't need the Lotus to keep you alive anymore." 

Yuu wasn't sure that was what he wanted, but his sister was still crying, so he nodded reluctantly. She smiled at him and patted his arm. At that moment, Marie came bowling into the room, running as much as she was hobbling. She gave a little tiny screaming giggle as her father--Horace, if Yuu recalled correctly--followed her, his arms outstretched and his hands forming claws. The girl jumped into Kaoru's lap, screeching and laughing as her father caught up and began to tickle her mercilessly. Yuu resisted the urge to cover his ears. It was his sister's child, after all.

"Will you stay with her for a bit, hon?" Kaoru asked as the girl's screams calmed and she ran off yet again. Horace nodded and leaned in to kiss his wife.

"How long will you be out?"

Kaoru hit his arm lightly. "Were you listening in?" She demanded in a faux-stern voice, a fake scowl on her face. She gave up the expression a moment later, laughing lightly. It reminded Yuu of the time he'd been with Lavi. That thought hurt, so he stood up and left the room, headed for the front door. His sister followed a moment later, donning a light coat.

They took the Underground back to the station near Lenalee's house, and they walked slowly toward their destination, talking quietly about what Kaoru had been doing in the years during their separation. It calmed Yuu to hear how well and happy his sister was, so much so that he had almost forgotten about the Bookman's presence until he ran into the man on their way in. Kaoru caught his arm, steadying him, though Bookman had the misfortune of falling completely to the ground. Yuu scoffed and stepped over the man, ignoring the pang in his heart.

"Yuu-chan? What--?"

The Japanese man heard Bookman's footsteps following them in. He missed the look of understanding his sister shot him, too eager to escape his former lover than to pay attention to his surroundings.

He wasn't surprised to see both Lenalee and Allen at the table, both nursing cups of tea, deep in conversation with Komui. The three at the table turned, and their eyes widened at the same time as they took in the scene. Lenalee was the first to make a move, standing and offering them seats.

"Yuu-kun, is this...?" The Chinese woman asked, and Yuu nodded.

"This is my sister Kaoru, Lenalee. Kaoru this is Lenalee, Allen, Komui, and the man behind you is La--Bookman." He introduced the room's occupants to his sister, pointing out each in turn, and cursed himself at his slip.

His sister smiled politely at all of them and took a seat at the table, thankfully between Yuu and Bookman.

There was an awkward silence as the group looked at each other. Lenalee kept looking at him and then to Bookman and then back to Yuu. Allen was scowling at him and then looking at Kaoru curiously. Komui was sipping his tea contemplatively.

Lenalee stood up a few moments later, taking a loaf of bread out of the oven, then bringing a plate of cookies over to the table.

"Would anyone like a cookie? Miss Kaoru, Allen, Lavi?" Yuu choked a bit on his tea, but he managed to suppress an outburst. Did Lenalee not realize her mistake? How come no one else was looking at her, telling her that the redhead wasn't Lavi anymore?

"Thanks Lenalee. You are one of the best cooks around," The redhead said, as he _winked_ at the blushing woman.

There was an outraged cough from _Moyashi_ , "Oi, Lavi, that's my wife you're flirting with."

Yuu saw the man in question lift his hands in a gesture of surrender, "Sorry 'bout that, Bean Sprout, some habits never die."

The Japanese man was at a loss for words. Just what the _fuck_ was going on here? This went against everything Yuu had been trying to tell himself for the past six years. It hurt his chest, too much. He couldn't deal with this, not now, not when he was happy for the first time in years. Standing up, Yuu walked quietly from the table, up the stairs, and into his room. A few moments later, he was joined by his sister. He sat in his armchair as Kaoru walked over to the hourglass on the desk.

"You've lost a lot of petals." The observation seemed to pain her, and her hands trembled slightly as she reached into the glass container and removed the tri-petaled flower. Her firm grasp echoed on his own skin in a light, whispering breeze of a touch. The hairs on his arms stood on end as goosebumps formed. Shivering involuntarily, he watched as his sister stared almost forlornly at the weak-looking sham of what had once been a healthy, pink-tinged lotus. Though the petals still looked healthy, the stem did not, as if it was carrying a burden it couldn't hold on to much longer. Kaoru poked at the tiny thing until a petal dislodged itself and fell to the floor. Making an interested hum, the Japanese woman bent down and picked it up. Then she upset the hourglass so that she could hold the other ten petals. She walked into the kitchen. Yuu followed her, much like a dog would follow its owner, and watched as she asked Lenalee if she had a fire going. _Moyashi_ nodded and lead her over to the hearth in the corner of the living room, which was separated from the kitchen only by a change in flooring.

The second the flower hit the flames, pain rippled in his chest, originating on his left breast and spreading out in iron-hot tendrils through the rest of his body. Yuu screamed and fell to the floor as all the walls he'd built around his emotions fell, spilling a torrent of raw pain and hate into his body, where it mixed with the molten metal scouring his veins. Somewhere in the far reaches of his brain, Yuu realized he was on Lenalee's living room floor, curled up in a protective ball, screaming and sobbing with all the hurt and blame. He cracked an eye open and saw red hair, and he tried to hit it, because it deserved to hurt, it deserved to feel what he felt, it deserved to _die_ , dammit! It was his fault, it was Lavi's fault. Love and pain and tears all mixed together as he screamed and screamed and screamed, and warm arms came around him. They weren't his sister's, they were too sturdy, nor were they _Moyashi's_. They weren't Lenalee's either, and he'd be damned if he ever let Komui touch him, not that the man ever would.

Hands pulled themselves gently through his hair, taking out the ponytail and releasing the inky black tresses down Yuu's back. A soft, sweet voice shushed him, but he couldn't stop because every nerve ending was on fire. He said as much, and a hand carded through his hair once more, rubbed his scalp in a soothing pattern only Lavi knew. Yuu whimpered. He didn't want Lavi touching him, not ever again. It had put him through too much. But he found himself clinging anyway as reason died under the stress of the pain.

When his yells had died, replaced only with a small whine here or there, tremors wracked his body in their stead. The tidal wave of agony had washed through his body, and the small wavelets that followed it could do nothing to compare to its intensity. Yuu's voice was gone, and by the time he became aware of his surroundings, so was everyone else, save for the man who held him to his chest with gentle but strong arms.

Yuu pushed himself back, wanting to escape Bookman's grip. He'd been down this path before, and he knew he didn't trust the other man--not anymore. He sat on the floor, unable to move farther away from the redhead. He looked at Bookman and Bookman looked at him, neither looked away for a long moment.

Finally, Bookman sighed, averting his gaze from the furious Japanese man across from him. "I'm sorry. I know that means nothing to you, seeing as you won't believe me, but I'm sorry, and I'll explain why I did things the way I did if you'll listen."

He couldn't scoff, nor could he reply with any indifferent words or gestures. It was as if the wall guarding his emotions had been completely decimated, and all he could say was what he felt. "I hate you." His voice was soft and filled with a steely edge.

Bookman looked at him, his one-eyed gaze piercing. When he spoke, he sounded defeated. "You have every right to." Yuu hadn't been expecting that. His mouth was slightly slack, and he assumed his face said as much. "But please, _please_ , listen to me."

Yuu nodded, keeping his eyes away from the green stare that so often pulled him in.

"I love you. I knew that since the time you were wounded on that one mission and limped into the library to find me, even though you should have--and for all intents and purposes _would have_ \--gone to Matron or to your room. But instead, you sought me out, and we went up to the roof, and... you remember the rest," Bookman finished awkwardly, shrugging. Yuu did remember. That had been the first time he'd let Lavi take him. On the roof, in the sunset, with just the faintest drizzle hitting his chest as Lavi had brought him to the edges of ecstasy and back.

"For the longest time, I kept fighting with myself. I wasn't supposed to be attached, but you all knew I was. You, Lenalee, Allen, the three of you made it goddamn hard to stay objective. Especially you. It became hard to focus on the battlefield, and I could never concentrate on the record when I was around you. My logs became sloppy. Sometimes, they were similar to the ones I did when I was eight or nine. They just reported the most obvious of facts, I missed key details that I never should have skipped over. I tried to compensate for that, and I got better. But then Bookman came to me and told me he was ill. He was so old that I knew it was unlikely he would survive. I had to choose--but you know that, obviously."

Yuu nodded, hating himself for understanding the asshole in front of him.

"I had to record the final bit of this war, you know that," Bookman continued, his gaze very, very far away, "but when I looked into your eyes right after Bookman passed... I couldn't do it. I wanted to throw everything away and just grab you and hug you and tell you the Old Man was finally dead, let's be together properly. I couldn't, though. It's my duty to record these things, and it went doubly so for that war, seeing as it is the most important historical event in the past three thousand years. But I couldn't keep my relationship with you. I'd miss things, I'd be tempted to throw my career away, just for you. So I walked away from you, and I sealed off my emotions." Bookman laughed bitterly, then added, "I'm good at that."

"This doesn't change anything," Yuu said bitterly. He couldn't get off the floor, though. It was as if he was glued there, rooted in place like a very old tree. He was stuck. So was Bookman, it seemed.

"No," the redhead whispered. "But I'm not done yet. Please let me finish.

"It became evident in the final year that I couldn't stop loving you. By the end of it, I just wanted to see your smile again. Do you know how painful it was, seeing you regress into a ghost of your former self? Do you know how painful it was, watching you lose your smile?"

"Do you know how painful it was for me when you walked away?" Yuu countered, unable to keep the note of bitterness out of his voice. Bookman smiled wryly.

"I know I hurt you, and you have every right to be resentful, but I want you to know I was going to ask you to come with me. I looked for you after the battle, but you were gone. We'd all expected you to leave quickly, but we all thought you'd be injured. When I couldn't find you, I thought you were _dead_." Bookman's voice caught on the last word, almost as if he was overcome by emotion or choking back tears. Yuu couldn't help but smile, even if it was a cynical one.

"You deserve it," he muttered sourly.

"I do," Bookman admitted. There was a short pause as they both reflected over what had just been said, and then the redhead continued. "I traveled the world and recorded for five years, thinking you were dead, but when I saw you at the café, I was so surprised, I slipped. I had to follow you, to see how you were doing. You brought me to Lenalee. I can't do this anymore, Yuu. I can't be objective anymore, not for you. You said last night that you loved me and that you still felt the same way. I do too."

"I don't care," Yuu said, trying and failing to ignore the clenching in his heart. "It was an indulgence, and it will never be anything more."

"It was _never_ an indulgence," Bookman exclaimed, leaning forward so that their heads were only an inch or two apart. "That was what I told myself--and consequently, you--so that I could justify what we were doing. Bookmen don't _care_ , Yuu, but I did. I cared from the very beginning, and I know you did too."

"I find that hard to believe," Yuu said angrily. Bookman scowled at him.

"I love you!" He yelled. "Why is that so hard to believe? Is it 'cause I never said it? I wasn't allowed to say it, and you never did either, so don't try to pin this all on me. I love you, Yuu-chan, and I'm not allowing you to run off again, not unless you well and truly hate me."

He wanted to believe it, he really did. But how could he ever trust him again? How could he be sure that Bookman wouldn't leave again for the sake of keeping his job? How could Yuu allow himself to feel again? He needed to respond, but all the words were caught in his throat, they were fighting each other. Conflicting feelings that never should have been there. _I hate you, I love you, you betrayed me, love, hate, pain, anger, sadness_. All of them fought inside his head, searching for escape. He did love Lavi still, despite everything the idiot had done to him, he loved him, it felt good to think it, but that thought was covered by the inescapable layer of pain that had grown thicker with each passing year. Yet, somehow, hearing Lavi's reasons face-to-face seemed to melt away some of it. As if knowing the reasons behind the actions made it hurt less, made it so that maybe, on some small level, he could forgive...

"I love you... but I can't trust you."

Bookman nodded and leaned forward. "Is it possible for me to earn it again?" He asked. He sounded insecure, as if he wasn't sure how Yuu would respond or how the rest of the night would play out. That fact in itself evaporated the melt water from the aching pain in his chest.

"I don't know," Yuu said, looking away. "I just found my sister, and I don't want to leave just yet, but I know that it would be over the second you set foot out of this house for your next assignment. I... don't want it to be over."

Bookman reached out a hand and placed it lightly on the Japanese man's chin, guiding it back so that they were face-to-face. "That implies that I can get it back. I don't care how long it takes. I don't have another assignment, and I won't for weeks--months, maybe. I won't leave you again. It hurts too much."

Yuu didn't know what to say. There was nothing _to_ say. He let Bookman edge closer and guide his head so that their noses wouldn't bump. The kiss was sweet and short and filled with something that Yuu identified as hope. The contact wasn't urgent, as if they were constructing something new over the ruins of their previous relationship. A new beginning, that was what this was, and they both knew it. Yuu found himself leaning into the other man, and Bookman responded by bringing his hands to the Japanese man's biceps. They let their foreheads touch.

"What do I call you?" Yuu asked.

"Lavi," Bookman said, and Yuu nodded. It was indeed a new beginning.

 

\---

A/N: And that's it! ^_^ _Te Amo,_ which was in the first part, means _my love_ in Latin. As for any other notes, I don't think we really have anything to say, except that this was fun to write, and we really didn't mean for it to come out this angsty, but it kinda... did. :/


End file.
